Back in November I spent another 2 weeks interning with Plus1 magazine. It was fantastic because this time I was given the responsibility of writing two articles; not only did I write the article about dogs but I also hand lettered the title and drew some scruffy looking dogs! I was thrilled to see my work in print and so glad to have a reminder of my time working with the talented, witty and awesome team of Plus1 magazine.
No Doggity
Words by Nicola Rowlands
It’s really no wonder cats are by and large miserable and irksome creatures, having spent eternity competing against reigning champion The Dogs for Favorite Pet Award and to no avail. There are dogs in every area sporting different faces, personalities, styles and walks making it next to impossible to match the effort they put in (although I’d say The Birds are good contenders). Some sniff around, some trot along, some stand and drool and some just run, run, run in wreckless abandon. Crotch-sniffers, hand-lickers, ball chasers, they have dogs as well. I’ve seen dinosaurs smaller than a dog I saw the other weekend, and then some are so small you just might slice its backside off and butter it mistakenly as malt loaf.
Yappity yap
An American Animal Hospital Association poll found that 33% of dog owners admit to talking to their dogs on the phone and leaving answering machine messages for them while away. Er, hello?
No littering
If never spayed or neutered, a female dog, her mate, and their puppies could produce over 66,000 dogs in 6 years.
I nose it was him
Dogs’ nose prints are as unique as a human’s fingerprints and can be used to accurately identify them.
Lazybones
Why not investigate the doggy loo, for the bone-idle bastard? How strange, it’s an American website… www.thepetloo.us
What not to wolf down
The ASPCA published a list of dangerous food items not advisable to give to your pet. It includes alcoholic beverages, fatty foods, moldy or spoiled foods and onions. That’s nice of them to inform people, seeing as rotten food, beer and pungent vegetables are the ultimate embodiment of mastication celebration for us as human beings.
Martha Stewart’s horrible little dogs
Martha Stewart owns chow chows by the name of Zuleika Dobson, Kublai Khan Paw-Paw, Blue Maximillian and Ghengis Khan Chin Chin. Not fair, really- they’re already hideous. Might as well give them rip-off Kickers and a bad case of acne as well.
Greenbacks for Ridgebacks
If you’re on the market for a pricey pooch you may be interested in the Thailand Ridgeback, which sell for £25,000. The Tibetan Mastiff, listed as an endangered species in China, could be another barking investment at 1 million English pounds.
Hyena butter
African legends state that witches would ride hyenas and use a gourd full of hyena butter as fuel for the torches they carried through the night. Despite what it says on the tube, having never been within a mile of a coconut this soft-soap is probably not what you should be rubbing on your arms and legs for the scent of the Bahamas.
Here are some dogs
Basenji
Group: Hound
Info: This dog’s local name in East Africa where it originates is m’bwa m’kube m’bwa wamwitu. This translates to “jumping up and down dog,” which is just great.
Dimensions: The Basenji bitch averages the size of a large backpack- one that will eat your turkey roaster with mayo if you blink for a tenth of a second.
Temperament: Don’t be fooled by the blank stare. This supposedly intelligent breed is alert and anxious despite being almost unfeasibly difficult to train, licking itself clean like a cat and disliking wet weather. Shockingly, owners often become frustrated by this dog’s aloof and destructive behavior…
Appearance: A graceful, lithe and compact creature, this smooth coated dog has a distinctive tightly curled tail and wrinkled forehead. Basenji eyes are typically almond shaped, giving it a very serious expression. Serious about turkey roasters maybe?
Level of Care: Although it can become quickly overweight due to its greedy appetite, this breed experiences little to no shedding, doesn’t slobber and rarely pants but unfortunately is prone to a handful of health problems.
Reasons to Buy it: If you can’t stand the sound of a dark barking; this is the only dog that doesn’t bark, but they do instead make an unusual yodeling sound when excited.
Reasons Not to Buy it: If you have an aversion to Alpine folk music
Bark Rating +
Bite Rating ++
Bouvier des Flandres
Info: Members of the working group, these dogs were originally used for general farm work.
Dimensions: Height and weight of an average 12-year-old boy (one that walks around on all fours)
Temperament: Despite the appearance, Bouviers aren’t clumsy. They are rational, gentle and loyal dogs with sophistication and control.
Level of Care: Regular grooming sessions with close attention to the beards and moustaches are necessary to remove after-dinner detritus
Appearance: An old lady sporting a sheepskin rug who has donned both Halloween and Christmas fancy dress headwear in a rug-wearing state of confusion.
Reasons to Buy it: If you make hand-woven throws out of dog hair, you’re in the money with this dog; in addition to weekly brushing they’ll need a visit to the Bouvier Barber every 3 weeks.
Reasons Not to Buy it: They cost £500 and are ugly
Bark Rating+
Bite Rating+++
Akita
Info: This dog originates from Japan, the Akita region to be specific.
Dimensions: Quite big, and rather heavy.
Temperament: A Bossy yet intelligent breed. Care must be taken around strange children, and the same goes when you have one of these dogs with you. They are however surprisingly amenable with cats.
Appearance: Muscular, strong-bodied dogs that come in a range of colours: brindle, sesame, white and red fawn.
Level of Care: They’re not fussy eaters and in relation to their size they do not eat a vast amount.
Famous Owners: Nicole Simpson’s Akita, Nato was the only witness to the murder, failing to bark up and resulting in the juice being let loose.
Reasons to Buy it: They are good guard dogs. No, wait…
Reasons Not to Buy it: They’re not very good guard dogs.
Bark Rating:+++++
Bite Rating+
Whippet
Info: Whippets are a member of the sight hound family, originating in England.
Dimensions: Usually about 50 cm long and 14 kg in weight.
Temperament: An intelligent and adaptable dog with a gentle, patient and affectionate disposition. Active and playful. Just how dogs should be.
Appearance: Physically similar to a greyhound, these guys are incredibly skinny, bony, with a small head. They come in a good variety of colours, from all black to all white and red, fawn etc in between.
Level of Care: Needs a goose down gillet in the winter to protect its skinny frame against the wind as well as much tender loving care when it gets the shivers. Their skin can be rather thin as well so they are prone to cuts and scrapes. Bless.
Reasons to Buy it: They are ideal if you live in a very narrow house or are looking for a running partner… this 35 mph Mister Motivator will get your cardio workout up to speed.
Reasons Not to Buy it: If you think that sleeping on one’s back with one’s legs in the air is indecent…they’re funny like this.
Bark Rating++
Bite Rating+++
Pekingese
Info: This breed is 2000 years old and originates in China.
Dimensions: Weighing in at 14 pounds, these furbies stand 6-9 inches tall at the withers.
Temperament: They have a few endearing qualities. They are also stubborn, jealous, childlike and opinionated.
Appearance: You’ll be glad to know that they do come in just as many colors their Tiger Electronics compeers.
Level of Care: Prone to heart problems, eye problems and breathing problems these pups need regular grooming and face cleansing to prevent sores and hotspots around the wrinkles of their skin. In warm temperatures they suffer heatstroke.
Reasons to buy it: They have survived being stuffed up ancient Chinese emperors sleeves and the sinking of the Titanic so if you’re looking for something long-term…
Reasons not to buy it: If you’ve seen what a mogwai turns into when fed after midnight.
Bark Rating +
Bite Rating ++++
Nothing quite says xmas like a dog in a dress playing badminton
Words by Nicola Rowlands
If time and reason for spreading yuletide cheer was available before 200 years ago, it took the form of a handwritten note to congratulate a colleague in not getting their hair caught in a cotton mill and thus escaping death-by-scalping. What’s more, without being able to write, let alone spell this would have proved challenging for both the sender and receiver of said message regardless of the fact no one even had a day off to celebrate the holiday. So if you’re looking at early 18th century photographs and wondering why you can’t spot a Clinton Cards on their high street you’re probably wasting your time and should maybe stop and find something more productive to do.
But with the wealth and technologies generated by the industrial revolution, merriment could be spread as well as cholera and smallpox because in 1843, at the request of founder and first director of the Victoria and Albert Museum Sir Henry Cole, the first Christmas greeting was designed by John Callcott Horsley and one thousand copies were published. With a cashmere trouser pocketful of spare change as a result of employing 5 year olds who eat next to nothing and don’t argue about getting paid next to nothing, a reasonably-priced one-shilling card was nothing less than a bargain for the average upper-class Victorian business tycoon.
Mirroring the sentiments of Dickens’ Christmas carol, many of these cards depicted small and orphaned children, encouraging those privileged not to have to work 26 hours a day down the coal mines to give the ones that did a break. Other popular designs featured cherubs, flowers, animals and spring. How ridiculous in contrast to flying reindeer and miniature people in green outfits making wooden trains.
Going by the standards of these cards, I’ve come to a few conclusions about the people of this period. Frocked dogs in anthropomorphic positions were seemingly something the Victorians were ok with, as well as disturbing, fat baby heads walking around, cross-gendered musicians and pedophilic gentlemen posing with more nude cross-gendered children. Oh, and the shilling doesn’t stop at patronizing young children and poor citizens. Nope, ever popular cards depicted golliwogs and blacks with subtly spelled out seasonal greetings in stereotypical negro dialects to boot, such as ‘A heap o’ de best fings dis world holds I wishes yu for de New Year.’
So when creating excel spreadsheet ‘Christmas Cards 2008’ to record the amount of cheer you spread to people you despise, why not consider sending something a little more ridiculous, racist, or just plain rude.